work blew today.
fuck.

i made chocolate chip pancakes today. i burnt a lot of them... the ones i didn't burn were yummy.

now i am eating white chocolate chips, and sitting here... waiting. i have no idea for what, i mean presumably, i am waiting for Jamie to get home. but lately i feel like i'm waiting for something all of the time. it's not an entirely unpleasant feeling... but it's a bit nagging.
i am going to business school next year. i don't even know if i want to do business... but i know that i want to be learning... and selling has always been a natural talent of mine, so i suppose business it is.

it works out well in my mind really, i can do this, and then maybe i can realistically start a theatre company? i don't know. i feel this insane need to plan. to buy a crystal ball that tells me the future so that i can write down all the major plot points and then have that plan.

i keep telling myself, "live in the moment", but it seems impossible. i am always waiting for something more. a climax... but i suppose real life doesn't have one specific climax... it has many little ones... if you're lucky.

if i am waiting for something does that mean that there's something more? something i am supposed to be doing that i'm not?

probably.

but how am i supposed to know?
i'm not.

so the year is almost over... and i don't feel like i've had the best or the worst one. but somehow i think it'sbeen a really important one. i learned a lot. alot of things that i learned were hard and painful, but i learned them. i think i'm happy. but i know its entirely p to me. always and forever. and i really really belive that. so quick run down of my year: January: i went back to PPTP ready to learn, and i got off to a good start with scenes, i became more confident, and started caring about myself again. February: i had my doubts, my friends came home, things were a little different. March: i taught an awesome week with Gina and had a crush on a boy who was wrong for me in everyway. he wasn't even nice. April: i hooked up with my best friends older brother who i'd had a crush on for years. May: i questioned being an actor and rehearsed for a show that i had no passion for. June: i worked, and hung out with my friends, started really falling for the older brother. July: i quit my job, couldn't open my mouth, really fell for him. August: i learned that i have to care about myself and respect myself, because i might not always have someone else to do it for me. i started working at Murphy's. September: i worked, i had a real boyfriend who i really cared about and even started to trust. i was proud of myself for not being so lost without my friends. i started working at cabin coffee. i gave up a great apartment and was offered a job in Ireland. October: i realized that i loved him. i trusted him. my friends were different but there. i felt like myself again. back and having fun. November: i needed money, i needed my own life. i needed decisions. i needed. i wanted. i was desperate for something i couldn't find. i decided to study Public Relations, and re-considered Ireland. I went back to Empire. December: i fell in love. i went insane. i felt hopeless. i feel lost. i want everything. i need something. i'm going to get it.

starry eyed.
is that what i am?
i used to really like that about myself, but now i think maybe i need to clear the stars out of my eyes for a little while, so that i can see real life, and take some responsibility.
theatre is not real life.
acting is not real life. i really want to have a real life, and a real job and a real family and real friends.
i can't do it anymore. i don't even want to do it anymore. it's not me anymore, because i don't want it to be.
i'm scared that when i let it go half of me will float away with it, and so will all of the people that i've met because of it. i don't want that to happen, but i think it's a risk i have to take, because i can't be this person anymore, who makes excuses and never feels like she matters.
i want to make a difference, and i don't think that this is how i'm going to do it. actually...i know this isn't how i'm going to do it.
i'm my number 1 now. i don't know how the hell it happened in the past couple hours, but i just realized just how important making myself number 1 is right now... and then i did it.
i think to make the world better you have to make yourself better first. and you have to put yourself in a position that demands respect if you want to hit people where you want to hit them. i want to have experience, and reasons for thinking what i think.
i want a lot of things, now it's just a matter of getting them.

so i'm going to Ireland.
good things come and go, but once they've happened, they've happened, and i have them.
and that in itself is good.
i like that.
having good, happy things under my belt.
always.
and i do think that it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.
i am more than good social skills and manipulation. i am not defined by the things other people think about me, or the way that other people treat me.
i am done trying extra hard to impress people that don't really care.
i am done trying to prove myself this or that. i am who and what i am, and that will change and some of it will stay the same. and there's not a lot i can or want to do about it.
don't waste your time hating things about people you love. that's them. take the "good" with the "bad", because without both, they're not who they are.
if everyone left me right now, it would hurt and i would fall, but i could pick myself up.
and i will look out for me, but i will never stop caring about the people i love. ever. and i will never hurt people on purpose, and when i do hurt someone, i will apologize and mean it. even if i don't relaize what i've done until much later.
i will continue to make mistakes, and i am sure that i will continue to have days and weeks and months and maybe years where i am not proud of who i am. but right now, i am.
i love being me.
and call me conceited. make jokes about my "modesty" but i don't care. because i know what i think of me. and i know how i feel about the way that i live.
and i like it.
so i mean... there that is.

i thought i had a whole bunch to write about.
but i don't want to jinx anything.
in short... i love my life.

everything is different now.
growing up is all there is. there is no longer any looking back.

it's time to make decisions.

it's time to give more credit to people when they deserve it.
i feel awful for him, i assume the worst in every situation, he never gets the benefit of the doubt. i suppose that's what he gets for choosing me.
it is too bad that people are punished for choosing me.

perhaps that is why i so rarely get chosen.

"no one will ever put you number one. so if you are putting someone else above yourself, all that means is that 2 people are looking out for that person, and no one is looking out for you."

that is a hard lesson to learn.

who knew you could grow out of a place. just like you grow out of clothes, out of people, out of interests.

what do you want?
i don't know. i have never known, but for the first time i am terribly interested in finding what i want, and getting it.
for me.

because i need to be something more than easy to talk to. something more than comfortable. because when that's all you are, you are nothing all by yourself. and i need to be something all by myself. i can't get through life by making sure i matter to someone else. i have to matter to me.

it is so much easier said than done.

he respects me. that is what is different about him - he respects me. and it is, whether i want to admit it or not, taking a toll on me, and helping me to respect myself.

but i don't need him, he's just helping. which is okay.

new friends.
something that i was so afraid of.
that i thought would over shadow, or take away from the old ones.
but they don't.
you need them. the new ones compliment the old ones. and i can have both.

i love so very easily.
it is both my strength and my weakness.
i am very good at people.
it is both my strength and my weakness.

i would do anything for the people that i love.
but i can't hate myself, when it is not up to me to help them.
when i can't fix them.
because sometimes, you need to be fixed by yourself. there can be no one else to help you.

but i hate that i have to sit back and watch her hurt.

self destruction comes in so many forms.
i hurt myself in so many ways.
i feel it happening. but i'm getting better at recognizing and understanding. and that helps me to stop it.

i spent the year growing up, and changing.
i spent the summer realizing it. dealing with it.

i love to create.
i love to analyse.
i love to perform.
i love to talk to people, to draw things out of them.
i love to comfort.
i love to matter.

but i can't need to matter.

because what if someday, i stop mattering to everyone.
because no matter how awful a thought that is, it is a possibility. and i still need to somehow matter to me. i can't let that ever go away. because if i do, then there is a chance i could break.

and it's such a waste to let ones self break.

i have no money
literally none.
it's awful.
i'll get paid for all the babysitting next week, but until then i can barely live. this licks.
i called Kara's and set up an appt. with the manager for tomorrow, so hopefully that goes well.
i am having such a lovely summer, but i've started doing that thing, where instead of enjoying where i am right now, i worry about where i'll be later. i hate it when i do that.
it's so lame and negative.
the cottage is in 2 weeks, and i am so excited.

Hairspray is so FABULOUS!

i smell like vanilla.

i have bright blue eye shadow on.

blue and green are my favorite colors.

Amanda Bynes has a pretty cool singing voice. she's also adorable. and AWESOME.

for the first time in my life i feel like maybe going somewhere else for a little while might be a good idea. i love everything here, and i think eventually leaving comfortable will be good.

i wish i could understand why the fact that Justin leaves on Saturday for a year is making me cry.

is it possible to never be really over someone?

but i don't want him to be mine anymore.

i am so happy with Jamie. and every issue i have with relationships is basically because of Justin... but him leaving still makes me so sad.

1. Do you tend to rip the paper off waterbottles?
yes. always actually.

2. If the mob was after you, what would you do?
i genuinely believe that i could charm them into not being after me.

3. When you shut off your alarm clock, do you tend to fall back asleep?
quite often actually.

4. If you were given the chance to take care of a monkey for a weekend, would you?
yes. yes, yes, yes.

5. What is the current advertisement on the side of the screen?
there isn't one, so that's awesome.

6. What are you looking forward to in the next few months?
being all healed and such. the cottage. tough. apartments.

7. When will you turn 21?
2 years, 1 month and 10 days.

8. If you were being chased by an alligator, what would you do?
oh fuck. when i get chased i pani and freeze. so i would die.

9. How many pillows are on your bed?
4... but two of them are by my feet... and relaly completely useless.

10. What song are you currently listening to?
Accidentally In Love - Counting Crows

11. Have you ever passed out from drinking?
yes.

13. What time did you wake up this morning?
9:30ish.

14. Do you have any cousins?
yep.

15. Can you imagine yourself living in a cardboard box?
ummm i cna imagine it, yes. but that does not mean i feel like it will happen.

16. Who was the last person you talked to?
Vic/Isabel

17. What is the WORST subject they teach at school?
Science... for me that is.

18.Where do you plan on living when you grow up?
Halifax.

19. What was your dream this morning?
don't remember.

20. How many times have you seen your favorite movie?
tons.

21. Where was the last place you went?
Hannahs.

22. How was your past weekend?
it was awesome. i hadn't relaly thought about it until right now... but it was relaly a fantastic weekend.

23. What is your favorite type of music?
i don't know.

24. What color is your room?
blue.

25. What is the best ice cream flavor?
Dinosaur Bones.

26. Do u think you are attractive?
sometimes.

27. Is someone on your mind right now?
no... all i'm thinkign about is teeth and blood.

28. Can you say the alphabet backwards?
yes.

30. Do you worry about how you look?
sometimes.

31. Would you ever change for a boy/girl?
i have. it was creepy and i hated it.

32. What are your school colors?
Neptune didn't have school colors really... but my shcool colors will always be BLUE AND WHITE! :)

33. Have you ever been on stage?
yes. i'm relaly good friends iwth it, actually.

34. Can you whistle?
no. :(

35. Would you do anything for that special someone ?
no.

36. Have you ever been in a play?
yes.

37. Do you have any plans for today?
i'm going to let a man i don't know cut open my mouth and dig teeth out.

38. Do you hangout with more guys or girls?
Girls.

39. How many siblings do you have?
2.

41. Do you like the beach?
i do! i love it.

42. What color is your toothbrush?
i have a pink one here, and a purple one at Tseges.

43. What makes you laugh?
3 million things.

44. Are you ticklish?
very.

45. Have you ever been in a hotel room with your friends of the opposite sex?
i don't think so.

IN YOUR ROOM:
1) Do you have a wood floor or carpet?: Hard wood
3) Do you have artwork hanging up on the walls?: yes... it's all courtesy of Emma. :)
4) Do you have clothes on the floor?: a disgusting amount.
5) Do you have stuffed animals?: lots.
6) Do you have a hidden stash of candy somewhere?: no. that would be awesome! like Claudia!
7) Do you have your own TV?: no.
8) Do you have over 100 CDs?: probably.
9) Do you have a bunch of pictures of bands and celebrities?: mostly just Tinkerbell.

PRESENT
Is your hair up?: yes.
Is your phone right beside you?: no.
Do you miss someone?: no.
Do you wish you were somewhere else?: not right at this second.
Do you have plans for tonight?: yes. :(
Are you wearing makeup?: no.
Are you wearing chapstick?: no.
Are you cold?: yes.
Are you excited?: not even a little.
Are you watching TV?: no.
Who's the last person you msged?: ummm Vicky maybe.
Who's the last person that called you?: Isabel.

PAST
Recently done anything you regret? no. well... i would maybe take back a couple of Canada Day's tequila shots... but nothing really serious. :P
Ever lied?: yes.
Ever trip over your own feet?: yes. more than normal people i think.
Ever thrown up because you cried so hard? yes.

1. I love my best friends.
2. Right now I want sleep.
3. I feel like i'm floating.
4. I hate it when someone's mad at me.
5. I fear really falling in love.
6. I'm lonely very rarely.
7. I need to go to the gym.
8. Today is barely begun.
9. Tomorrow is wisdom teeth day.
10. I just spoke to a boy i used to be very fond of, and have seemed to grow out of.
11. I want to meet Lenore Zann.
12. I'm hungry for ice cream.
13. I love it when there is a thunder and lighetning storm.
14. I'm afraid of trusting a boy to love me.
15. I'm listening to myself type.
16. I'm wearing a Canada tank top and black sweats.
17. I wish I was cuddled up with Jamie.
18. I'm craving kisses.
19. I want to know what i want.
20. I can do the splits.
21. I can't do a cartwheel.
22. I have ridden a camel.
23. I haven't been to Spain.
24. I'm nervous for my Dr.'s appt. tomorrow.
25. My Mom thinks i'm dramatic.
26. My Dad thinks i'm irresponsible.
27. I think i'm fun.
28. I'm happy when i'm swinging.
29. I'm sad when i'm talking to self absorbed actor boys.
30. I like eating Hannahs cookies.
31. I hate eating onions.
32. I love watching the sun.
33. I love listening to laughter.
34. I like playing grounders.
35. I hate waking up to spitty rain.
36. I can see everything when my eyes are closed.
37. I'm glad that i have a brother & a sister.
38. I'm disappointed that i don't have my whole year planned.
39. I look like a beach bum.
40. I wish I looked like a sleeping beauty.

waking up with him, is my new favorite.

so all prom people, looked beautiful.

sunshine, please.
more money, please.
rights to Tough!, please.
love me, please.
dance with me, please.
walk with me, please.
don't be mad at me, please.
laugh with me, please.
don't hurt me, please.
pink nail polish, please.
come home now, please.

... i said please.

he's so lovely.

i like:

rain.
walking in the rain.
being with my friends.
being alone.
sun.
swimming.
waves.
hanging out with my family.
cuddling.
cats.
twirling.
being warm.
singing.
driving.
the zipper.
dancing.
flip flops.

i don't like:

worms.
being in a fight.
secrets.
being cold.
onions.
centipedes.
being told "no".

screw it.

i'll kick myself later.

for now, i'll hold hands and smile.

facts about me:

- i'm a fantastic street fighter player.
- i make really bad choices.
- i like the rain but only when its warm, i cant smell worms, and my pants aren't too long.
-My choices are not well thought out.
- grapefruit juice with no sugar is one of my favorite things.
- i do before i think.
- Ariel is my favorite Disney Princess
... but Hercules is my favorite Disney movie! :)
- he's really cute though.
- my favorite comic is x-men.
- bad, bad choices.
- i don't like Topher Grace
- i make awful choices.
- i only capitolize words that i feel are really important. i can't even spell the word right.
-oh my God.

crazy.

sunshine is wonderful.
working hard is wonderful.
friends are wonderful.
the stage is wonderful.
family is wonderful.
plans are wonderful.
following through on plans is wonderful.
grape water is wonderful.
great big sea is wonderful.
new clothes are wonderful.
flip flops are wonderful.
warm rain is wonderful.
singing is wonderful.
dancing is wonderful.
laying in the real life sun is wonderful.
life is wonderful.